A Man Called Horse
by Pjazz
Summary: *Revised and complete* Will and Jack suspect Grace is dating a notorious gay called Henry the horse. Jack finds The One - again!-but Karen wrecks it.


*******************A Man Called Horse********************  
  
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
MORNING. WILL IS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN FIXING BREAKFAST.  
  
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A SHORTIE NIGHTIE.  
  
GRACE  
  
Can I use your toilet? Mine's clogged with Kleenex.  
  
WILL  
  
Someone get a little tearful watching 'Ghost' on cable last night?  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, I cried my eyes out. It was so sad. So very very sad. Heartrending.  
  
Demi Moore wearing bangs? Please. That is so over.  
  
WILL  
  
You want breakfast?  
  
GRACE  
  
(FROM LOO) No, thanks. Already eaten.  
  
WILL  
  
I'm making French toast.   
  
Or as it's known these days - backward marching surrender monkey toast.  
  
GRACE REENTERS  
  
WILL  
  
Wow, that nightie's sheer. Are those your nipples?   
  
Or did you have muesli and spill a couple of raisins down the front.  
  
GRACE  
  
Just for that, I wasn't going to tell you, but I left the toilet seat down.  
  
WILL  
  
That's okay. Jack does it all the time.  
  
GRACE  
  
For your information, I'm giving this nightie a test run.   
  
I think tonight might be the night Henry and I, y'know.  
  
WILL  
  
You still haven't slept with Henry? What is that - 5 dates?  
  
GRACE  
  
He's been a perfect gentleman. He hasn't even tried to feel me up.   
  
Even though I put his hand there. Twice.  
  
WILL  
  
Wow. Normally by a fifth date your boyfriends have named both   
  
your breasts and have your crotch as their forwarding address.  
  
GRACE  
  
I think he might be the one, Will.  
  
WILL  
  
Good for you, Grace.  
  
grace  
  
You like Henry, right?  
  
WILL  
  
What's it matter what I think?  
  
GRACE  
  
Nothing. Nothing. But you do like Henry, right?  
  
WILL  
  
He seems very nice. Very clean.  
  
GRACE  
  
Clean? What, are you my mother?  
  
WILL  
  
You know how to wound, Grace Adler.  
  
GRACE EXITS  
  
IN THE HALLWAY IS JACK  
  
JACK  
  
Grace, loving the new look. Are those your nipples?   
  
Or did a bee sting you in two totally ironic places?  
  
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. KAREN EXITS.  
  
GRACE  
  
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?  
  
KAREN  
  
Early? Morning?   
  
Grace, honey, are those some more of the imaginary words you make up?  
  
Like 'diligent' and 'sobriety'?  
  
JACK  
  
Karen hasn't gone home yet. Trouble in the boudoir with Stan.  
  
KAREN  
  
His damn doctor has proscribed extra-strength viagara.   
  
The kind they feed horses at stud farms.   
  
I tell ya, the speed Stan was chasing me round the bed,   
  
I'm thinking of entering him in the Kentucky Derby.  
  
JACK  
  
My poor baby.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, what's with the nightie? Are those your ---  
  
GRACE  
  
Yes, Karen, these are my nipples. (LIFTS NIGHTIE UP TO HER CHIN)  
  
Look, World, Grace Adler has nipples!  
  
AN ELDERLY TENANT PASSES BY. GETS AN EYEFUL  
  
ELDERLY TENANT  
  
NIce rack. Call me.  
  
KAREN  
  
Grace, honey. A word from the wise.   
  
Next time you decide to play 'Show and Tell',   
  
you might want to think about wearing panties.  
  
JACK  
  
Or getting a wax.  
  
KAREN  
  
Eeuuww!  
  
JACK  
  
Double eeuuww!  
  
KAREN  
  
Triple eeuuww!  
  
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.  
  
KAREN IS SEATED AT HER DESK MIXING A COCKTAIL.  
  
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A BRIGHT HOOPED TOP.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, what is that? What's going on?   
  
You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.  
  
PHONE RINGS. KAREN IGNORES IT.  
  
GRACE  
  
Well, aren't you going to answer it?  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, I'm working here. These Margharitas won't mix themselves.  
  
GRACE SNATCHES UP THE PHONE  
  
GRACE  
  
Grace Adler Design? Damn, they rang off.   
  
Karen, that could have been important to my work.  
  
KAREN  
  
Sorry, hon, not following you?  
  
GRACE  
  
My work. My design work. My job.  
  
KAREN  
  
You're gonna have to spell it out for me.  
  
JACK ENTERS  
  
JACK  
  
Why, Grace. You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.  
  
KAREN  
  
I Said that. I said that.  
  
JACK  
  
Did not.  
  
KAREN  
  
Did too.  
  
JACK  
  
Did not.  
  
KAREN  
  
(SIGHS) She did too.  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! You're so funny.  
  
KAREN  
  
No, you're funny.  
  
JACK   
  
No,you're funny.  
  
GRACE  
  
Alright, break it up, Abbot and Costello.What d'you want, Jack?  
  
We - I- I have work to do.  
  
JACK  
  
I've come to ask Karen if she wants to hang out at the YMCA gym and play   
  
'Spot the Buttock Implants'.  
  
KAREN  
  
Sure thing, honey. But no cheating this time.   
  
Handling the merchandise is not allowed.  
  
JACK  
  
She knows me so well.  
  
KAREN  
  
I'm pretty much done here for the day anyway.  
  
GRACE  
  
Karen, it's 11.15.  
  
KAREN  
  
I'm really not getting you at all today, hon.  
  
JACK AND KAREN EXIT  
  
PHONE RINGS  
  
GRACE  
  
Grace Adler Design. Oh hi, Henry. Sure, I'd love to go out for a meal tonight.  
  
8 o clock. Pick me up at my place.  
  
INT. WILL'S OFFICE.  
  
JACK ENTERS  
  
WILL   
  
Thanks for coming over so quickly, Jack. I've got a bit of a dilemma.  
  
JACK  
  
I understand, Will.   
  
You can't decide what to get for my birthday present, can you?  
  
Will I want Justin Timberlake or James Van der Beek.  
  
WILL  
  
Jack....  
  
JACK  
  
Giving it due consideration, I think Justin Timberlake wins by a head.   
  
If you get my meaning.  
  
I said, if you get my meaning.  
  
WILL  
  
Jack, cadavers in the morgue get your meaning. Unborn foetuses get your meaning.  
  
And anyway, Justin Timberlake's not gay.  
  
JACK  
  
Wash your mouth out with soap!  
  
Consider the evidence - high pitched voice, toned body, great dancer, cropped hair.  
  
Guilty as charged, your honour.  
  
WILL  
  
How about he slept with Britney Spears and about a hunrdred other girls?  
  
JACK  
  
Admittedly, that does weaken my argument.  
  
WILL  
  
Hard as it may be for you to believe, my dilemma has nothing to do with you.  
  
It's Grace's boyfriend, Henry. I think I saw him in a gay bar.  
  
JACK  
  
Ha! He swings both ways. He plays for both sides.   
  
He walks both sides of the street.  
  
WILL  
  
'Good lord, Holmes, I think you've got it!'  
  
JACK  
  
Or mebbe he walked into a gay bar by mistake.   
  
He wouldn't be the first straight guy to do that.  
  
WILL  
  
He was wearing black leather pants and a Gap singlet.  
  
JACK  
  
Oh he is so gay! Describe him. Perhaps I know him.  
  
WILL  
  
Tall. Well muscled. Neat hair.  
  
JACK  
  
Uh huh. That's pretty much my last thousand boyfriends.  
  
WILL  
  
Oh, and he's got a tattoo of a horse on his left shoulder.  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! I know who you mean. Henry the horse.  
  
WILL  
  
Henry the horse? Why is he called Henry the horse?   
  
(BEAT) Okay, forget I asked that dumb question.  
  
JACK  
  
Henry the horse makes Ron Jeremy look like an 8 year old boy.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace is going to be crushed.  
  
JACK  
  
I'll say. His thing must weigh at least ---  
  
WILL  
  
Crushed emotionally, you moron. She'll be devastated.  
  
JACK  
  
You're right. I'm so insensitive. (BEAT) Can I tell her? Please? Pretty please?  
  
WILL  
  
I'm her oldest friend. I'll tell her.  
  
JACK  
  
Aww! You get all the fun.  
  
INT. EVENING. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL HAS TOLD GRACE THE NEWS. SHE IS DEVASTATED.  
  
GRACE  
  
I knew he was too good to be true. You're sure it was him?  
  
WILL  
  
I think so. I'm sorry.   
  
Jack thinks he may be a notorious bisexual called Henry the horse.  
  
GRACE  
  
Why Henry the horse?  
  
WILL  
  
Take a minute.  
  
GRACE  
  
Why Henry the horse?  
  
WILL  
  
Take another minute.  
  
GRACE  
  
Seriously, why Henry the hor --- omigod!  
  
WILL  
  
And finally the bad penny drops.  
  
GRACE  
  
So he was living a lie all this time?  
  
WILL  
  
I guess so.  
  
GRACE  
  
I really thought he might be it, Will.  
  
WILL  
  
I know, babe. I'm sorry.  
  
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. HENRY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.  
  
HENRY  
  
Grace, I thought I'd find you here. These are for you.  
  
HANDS GRACE THE FLOWERS. GRACE STUFFS THEM UPSIDE DOWN INTO A VASE.  
  
HENRY  
  
Um, this is a wild stab in the dark. But is anything wrong?  
  
GRACE  
  
Let's see. Ooh, I know! You lied to me.  
  
HENRY  
  
Lied to you?  
  
GRACE  
  
That you're gay. Or bisexual.  
  
HENRY  
  
Grace, I swear. I'm neither of those things. I'm as straight as the next man.  
  
WILL  
  
Next man standing right here. And he's pretty gay.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will saw you in a gay bar. They call you Henry the horse.  
  
HENRY  
  
Grace, I have never been in a gay bar in my life.   
  
And no one has ever called me Henry the horse.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh really. Then how d'you explain this.  
  
GRACE RIPS HENRY'S SHIRT OPEN.  
  
GRACE  
  
Whoa! No tattoo.  
  
GRACE PULLS HENRY'S PANTS DOWN.  
  
WILL  
  
Whoa! No horse.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. LATER SAME EVENING.  
  
GRACE HAS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.  
  
GRACE  
  
Omigod. What the hell was I thinking? I yanked a man's pants round his ankles.  
  
I almost never do that.  
  
WILL  
  
It would tend to discourage visiters.  
  
GRACE  
  
And what the hell were you thinking? You said he was in a gay bar.   
  
And named Henry the horse.  
  
WILL  
  
Perhaps it's meant ironically? Like tall men called Tiny.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh now he tells me.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace, I'm sorry. I swear he was in a gay bar. I never forget a face.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh I suppose he had the tattoo removed and penis reduction operation   
  
before coming here tonight?  
  
WILL  
  
Listen, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll go after him and explain.  
  
Where d'you think he's gone?  
  
GRACE  
  
There's a bar round the corner Henry likes. Hooters.  
  
WILL  
  
Hooters? Gay man in a bar called Hooters.   
  
I think we can rule out my bringing a date home.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh and when you tip the waitress? Put the bills in her cleavage,   
  
tweak her nipples and shout 'kerching!'.  
  
WILL  
  
Kerching? Good to know. Good to know.  
  
INT. HOOTERS BAR.  
  
WILL ENTERS AND TRIES TO SPOT HENRY.  
  
HE FINDS HIM IN A CORNER BOOTH.  
  
WILL  
  
May I sit here?  
  
HENRY  
  
What d'you want? Grace send you?  
  
WILL  
  
No. I'm just trying to figure out what happened.   
  
Because I'm sure I saw you in a gay bar.  
  
Horse tattoo? Left shoulder?  
  
HENRY  
  
You probably mean my mean my twin brother. I guess he must be in town.   
  
We're not close. I thought he was in LA. He's big in the porn industry.  
  
WILL  
  
Yes, I've heard how big. His name's also Henry?  
  
HENRY  
  
Phineas. I guess he changed it.  
  
WILL  
  
Phineas the horse? Good call.  
  
WAITRESS ARRIVES. A BLONDE WITH A HUGE RACK UNDER A TIGHT T SHIRT LABELLED 'HOOTERS'  
  
WILL  
  
My! I see you're taking no chances with the trades description laws.  
  
WAITRESS  
  
What can I get you?  
  
WILL  
  
I'm tempted to order a white wine spritzer, but I think it might raise the tone.  
  
HENRY  
  
Coupla beers.  
  
WILL  
  
Excuse me. Could I ask - don't you find this job degrading?  
  
WAITRESS  
  
My last job was giving over 60s colonic irrrigation. You tell me.  
  
WILL  
  
Do the boobs come with the job?   
  
'Cause I'm a lawyer and I can get you a good tax deduction.  
  
WAITRESS  
  
I had these done in Mexico. Surgeon botchhed the job.   
  
Haven't had any feeling in these puppies since 1997.   
  
Say, you're pretty cute. I'm off at eleven.  
  
WILL  
  
Alas, my heterosexuality is as phoney as your boobs.  
  
WAITRESS LEAVES  
  
WILL  
  
LIsten, Henry. I know it's none of my business, but Grace really likes you.  
  
It might be worth another shot. What d'you say?  
  
HENRY  
  
Grace is pretty nice. Ah, what the hell.  
  
WILL  
  
It's not a Shakespeare sonnet, but sounds good to me.  
  
INT. YMCA BAR.  
  
KAREN AT THE BAR.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, what d'you call gin, vermouth and an olive?  
  
BARTENDER  
  
A martini?  
  
KAREN  
  
Love one. Thought you'd never ask.   
  
Oh and honey, keep pouring till you see the soles of my Blahniks   
  
and a paramedic jumpstarting my heart.  
  
JACK ARRIVES FROM THE LOCKER ROOM  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! I just met this total hottie. His name's Eduardo. He's an actor.   
  
Well actually, he's a chef at Dunkin Donuts. But he thirsts for the stage.  
  
KAREN  
  
Speaking of thirst. Where are my martini's? Keep up, honey.  
  
JACK  
  
I think he's the One, Karen.  
  
KAREN  
  
Oh LOrd, another - One. Introduce me, hon.  
  
JACK  
  
Ok. One small detail - I told him you and I are married. You're my Sugar Mommie.  
  
KAREN  
  
Why would you do that, hon?  
  
JACK  
  
Oh you know me - big drama queen. Our's is a loveless, barren marriage.   
  
So play along.  
  
KAREN  
  
Sounds like a fairytale romance. You're the fairy. I'm the tail.  
  
EDUARDO ARRIVES  
  
JAVK  
  
Eduardo, this is my wife, Karen.  
  
EDUARDO  
  
NIce to meet you.  
  
KAREN  
  
Charmed, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm the sugar momma. I'm loaded, honey.   
  
In more ways than one.  
  
JACK  
  
Ok. That's over with. Bye, Karen.  
  
KAREN  
  
Not so fast, Jack McFarlane. Have you forgotten our marriage contract?  
  
Page 82. Paragraph 18. Clause 15B. 'Each Tuesday you will pleasure  
  
me every which way till I yell for mercy or the bed collapses.   
  
Which ever comes first.'  
  
JACK  
  
Have you forgotten, oh wife of mine, that my attorney, Will Truman,  
  
annulled that contract 2 months ago.  
  
KAREN  
  
I have my conjugal rights. I demand to be conjugated!  
  
KAREN GRABS JACK AND KISSES HIM FULL ON THE MOUTH. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.  
  
EDUARDO  
  
Listen, you two obviously have issues. I'll go.  
  
JACK  
  
I'm coming with you.  
  
KAREN  
  
Not so fast, light of my life  
  
.  
  
KAREN GRABS JACK AND PRESSES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER BOOBS. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.  
  
JACK  
  
Jesus, Karen. I nearly suffocated!  
  
EDUARDO  
  
I'd better go.  
  
JACK  
  
Me too.  
  
KAREN  
  
Oh Jack. I forgot. The doctor rang.   
  
He said the tests were inconclusive, but to keep on using the ointment.   
  
And not to worry about the pus discharge.  
  
EDUARDO  
  
Eeuuwww! What are you - diseased?  
  
EDUARDO LEAVES  
  
JACK  
  
Well thank you very much, Karen Walker. You just cost me the love of my life.  
  
KAREN  
  
No, honey. Look. He's found someone else already.  
  
JACK  
  
Why that little tramp.  
  
KAREN  
  
Fickle fudge packer.  
  
JACK  
  
Gay Benjamin Franklin.  
  
KAREN  
  
I like mine better.  
  
JACK  
  
Me too. Fickle fudge packer.  
  
KAREN  
  
C'mon honey, let's go to Tiffany's. I'll buy you a nice little Rolex thingy.  
  
JACK  
  
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching bracelet?  
  
KAREN  
  
Sure, hon.  
  
JACK  
  
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching tie clasp?  
  
KAREN  
  
Sure, hon.  
  
JACK  
  
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching Porsche coupe?  
  
KAREN  
  
Nice try, hon.  
  
JACK  
  
Damn! I always go too far. I never know when to stop.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL AND GRACE.  
  
WILL  
  
You blew him off? After I risked my reputation visiting a straight bar.   
  
And you blow him off?  
  
GRACE  
  
After all that happened, I just felt he wasn't the one.  
  
WILL  
  
He was the one till you yanked his pants down.  
  
Omigod! It's the size thing, isn't it?  
  
GRACE  
  
How can you think me so shallow?  
  
WILL  
  
Oh, perhaps cause I know you.  
  
GRACE  
  
Ok, you're right. But in my defence it was very small.  
  
WILL  
  
Like a tiny acorn. Only it wouldn't grow into a mighty oak.  
  
GRACE  
  
Ever see one smaller?  
  
WILL  
  
Once. It was a very cold winter.  
  
GRACE  
  
Am I so terrible to make such a big deal out of such a small thing?  
  
WILL  
  
No. Of course not. Physical compatibility is just as important   
  
as emotional capatibility.  
  
The heart wants what the heart wants. The y'know wants what the y'know wants.  
  
GRACE  
  
I love you, Will Truman.  
  
WILL  
  
I love you too, you crazy mixed up kid.  
  
THEY HUG  
  
WILL  
  
I know, let's cheer ourselves up by watching 'American Idol' on tv.   
  
We can make bitchy comments about the contestants.  
  
GRACE  
  
Yeah, like we've never done that before.  
  
WILL  
  
(SIMON COWELL BRIT ACCENT) That was absolute rubbish. You should be taken out and shot.  
  
GRACE  
  
Ooh, ooh! I can be Paula Abdul! Wait here while I get my fat pants.  
  
THE END  
  
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*** 


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